April 9, 2014

36. ” Turn up the music and turn down the drama.”

Another sad day. On a scale of 1 to 10 , I’m feeling like 5 right now. I have this urge to cry but I have to hold it up.  Ah never mind, as I was writing this my mum came to me, asking whether my dad screamed at me and I started pouring like waterfalls. My mom told me that I have to put up with it since my dad is so stressed lately, but even so, I do not think this is fair at all! I have been trying to stay strong for so long and put on a poker face whenever I get yelled at again, but it hurts. It hurts so much. He yelled at me that I won’t be able to have a husband, he yelled at me for not having an income, he yelled at me for things I did not do, he yells at me when I cook, he yells at me when I don’t clean according to his standards, he even blamed me for the electrical breakdown. Why try, when all I do is wrong anyway?

This pressure, I can’t take it. The guilt he is putting on me, it’s so cruel. The only reason why I feel like I’m a failure is because of them. I’m a big fat failure and I ‘ve been told in many different ways. He says that my brother and I will kill my parents, he says they will die because of working, they can’t take it anymore. This guilt he is putting on me is painful, as he is implying that I’m a murderer.

I have been doing quite okay these last two days. I forced myself to go out and hang out with people, try to get out of there. Just, now I feel like, … I don’t want to live anymore. My emotions are extreme. It goes from extremely happy to emotional breakdown.

Aaahh , I have so much I want to put down on paper, I have so much to tell, but I can’t seem to write it down. My head is one big mess, so chaotic. I don’t even know what I’m thinking anymore, it’s like a storm of emotions flying around in my head and it’s not about to settle down soon.

They say, don’t take it personal. How do you not take it personal when it’s reflecting on you?

I feel like I will never be able to be the daughter they want me to be. I can’t level up to their expectations, I’m just not that great of a person.

For the last two years I had a friend, whom I told everything to. Especially during my year abroad, he’s the one I liked talking to when things were going wrong and he would just talk to me. But ever since I came back, it hasn’t been the same. I might have pushed him away as he is a good friend of my cousins and he is so busy playing girls all the time. I get mad because of that, and I have absolutely no reason too as we’re not in a relationship. But I feel like I have lost that friend for quite a while. Yesterday he started telling me that he’s always there for me and he will listen. He says he knows me, and knows my way of doing so he is not taking anything personal. He says he still thinks I’m very sweet even after I’ve been so cold and mean to him. Those were words I needed to hear from him. But yet, I still can’t find myself treating him the same way as before, as my good friend. Why is that? What are these emotions that I’m feeling?

As I was crying and being yelled at this morning, all I wanted is for him to be here and hug me. Just stay here and hug me until I feel better.

I’m boiling from the inside. I’m all about justice and everything feels so unjustified.

 

April 6, 2014

35. “I grew up to always respect authority and respect those in charge.”

I fear authority. Not in so much that I fear people taking control, cause control could be good sometimes. However, people that are regarded to have more power than I do, yes they are quite scary.

Today when the power broke down all of the sudden and my dad screamed at me for that and I had nothing to say, that’s when I realized. I didn’t defend myself, and perhaps, I never really did as I feared authority. Especially when elderly people are remarking on you, I have learned that they are always right even when they are NOT!

I’ve never learned to speak for myself and I had a hard time because of that throughout high school and college. I feel retarded because of this. I’ve suppressed my opinions as I wasn’t really allowed to share them really and hey I was never right anyway.

When people ask me for my opinion, I hardly ever know what to say. It gets me by surprise each and every time. Does my opinion even matter? I don’t even know how to express myself and give amazing arguments to have people listening to me. People in general just don’t listen to me.

I think, I over think  everything. I’ve become a push over and I’m sick of it.

 

April 1, 2014

Musicpost 02/04 // Uncle Kracker – Smile

You make me smile like the sun,
Fall outta bed
Sing like a bird,
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record,
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool,
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold,
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

April 1, 2014

34. ” I am a strong person but every now and then I also need someone to take my hand & say everything will be alright. “

All I could think about today is how much I miss the human touch. Intimacy. . .

I learned that a hug could do miracles, it releases tension in the body, strengthens the immune system, balances the nerve system, increases serotonin levels which makes you feel more happy and well, some more mind blowing health benefits.

I’m not comfortable with being touched, it frightens me to death. As I’ve mentioned before, I almost never let my best friends hug me. I don’t know why, perhaps I have some kind of fear for intimacy. I thought I was an open and social person, but to think of it now… Am I really that kind of person?

I don’t talk much, I don’t share opinions. I like to write them down though. I figured, even if I were to share my opinions, get into a debate and everything.. what’s the point really? My arguments might be good, but I’m not good at explaining them and then I shut down. I used to try, but I don’t bother anymore.

I recently realized that somehow I got this far, I don’t even hear my dad anymore when he is saying something as it doesn’t make sense. Whatever it is, even if he’s so terribly wrong, I will never be able to win a debate. My parents, yes they will bring up irrelevant information if not bull crap on table and make it sound so right to them. There is no point in fighting them. So I gave up, and I guess I just never did it anymore. Proof myself right that is.

And then there is this guy. This guy I might like, or might not like. I haven’t been able to figure this out  just yet. He is a touchy person and he likes to touch a lot. I like him to touch me too, but it scares me. I get all paranoid. This guy is also someone I almost never agree with and I like to fight him and tell him what I really think about things, but when I see him……. Well, I can’t even look him in the eyes, I shut down when he is around. I go all mute and retarded. This guy, let’s call him Don Jon as he sees himself that way. He has many girls around him, all the time and heck they’re gorgeous too. He has choices, a lot of them and then there is me. And then I think, is there even someone out there that could like me enough? could really love me?

Well, all I just wanted to share was… I could really use a hug right now.

 

 

April 1, 2014

Musicpost 01/04 // Train – Marry me

Promise me
You’ll always be
Happy by my side
I promise to
Sing to you
When all the music dies

March 31, 2014

33. “You’ll never know how strong you are… until being strong is the only choice you have.”

I panicked. All of a sudden I just panicked and I started crying. I felt scared and I haven’t been this scared in ages. My heart started pounding, it pounds a lot lately. I felt light headed, as if it became numb from my neck to my head and everything started aching. I suddenly saw all these scenario’s flashing by and I thought, I sincerely thought I would be hospitalized soon. My parents aren’t home, they both have night shift and I don’t dare to sleep. What if I won’t be waking up anymore?

I’m not saying I’m suicidal, cause I probably don’t have the guts to take away my own life. However, if I were to die in my sleep tonight, it’d be fine. Cause this constant pain and numbness, I don’t know how much longer I can take this. It feels as if all the wires in my body are disconnected, I’m having a short-circuiting. I live in this dark dark place and I can’t seem to find my way out. I feel so lost right now, and I don’t know what to do. I’m sad all the time. When will this feeling go away?

I want to talk about it, and then I don’t. I just feel so alienated from everyone and all I want is to, I don’t know, feel some kind of love, any kind, maybe, perhaps. I just don’t know anything. I don’t know how much longer I can stay strong. I hope writing my thoughts down will help, cause I don’t know what to do with it. My head, it can’t take it anymore. All of this information, my brains, it’s not functioning as it’s supposed to. I feel pressured, all the time, everywhere.

I’m a whole lot of fucked up and I don’t want to be pitied. But if people would find out, I will never be treated the same anymore.

I don’t know anymore.

March 26, 2014

Musicpost 26/03 // Counting crows – Accidentally in love

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can’t ignore it if it’s love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don’t know nothing ’bout love

March 26, 2014

32. ” Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along. “

I just came back from the diabetes specialist. As I’ve said before, I’ve had pre-diabetes for several years now and I’ve had my ups and downs. My pre-diabetes has progressed and now I’m being watched and checked upon by many doctors, again. Isn’t it funny that when you were little all you would think of was to grow up, get a job and have a family? Never did you expect to become familiar with all these medical terms. Never did you expect how much of an impact this could have on your life.

I admit that I often took the easy way out, I blocked things out. I smoked and I drank my sorrows away. Just to not feel anything. I was supposed to improve on my health, I was supposed to feel better when I’d quit smoking and drinking. I did everything according to the books, I did everything I was told to do.

On the picture below you can see a table which describes when exactly you are diabetic or treated as a diabetic person. For the last couple of years my blood sugar level has been around 6, which means I was in my prediabetes phase. Today, my blood sugar level was 7.1 sober. Darn it.

DM_Blood_Test_Levels_Chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m still a fetus, I’m selfish. I can’t have this on top of everything that is already going on. I know i’m not dying, I know there is no cure for this, I also know that it is well treatable. However, is it to much to ask to just give me some slack? It’s been one thing after the other as long as I can remember. I just want to live. Feel alive. I just don’t think it’s fair. Life isn’t fair at all.

I feel selfish for thinking like this and yes, I feel guilty. I know it’s not always about me, but I just can’t help the way I feel. It’s my diary, you don’t have to continue reading this, don’t judge me for what I’m writing.

I think, well the thing is that It’s not even the diabetes I’ve got problems with. It’s more the complaining and yelling I get because I’m diagnosed with this. I get blamed at for getting sick all the time, even this is my fault. There is really not anything I can do right.

It gets me angry. Knowing that there’s nothing I’ve got under control anymore.

There’s only one thing I want. Only one thing I’ve been obsessed about for I don’t know how long. It’s to find someone who cares for me, someone who can take care of me. I just really want to get married. I know, I have to learn to love myself first before someone else can love me. I know. But then again, I feel like I don’t deserve anyone. Wouldn’t I just be bothersome?

Could it be karma hitting me all the time? – but I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I’m so confused.

 

 

March 26, 2014

31. ” My sadness has become an addiction. When I’m not sad, I feel lost. I start to panic trying to find my way back which leads me to my original state : sadness. “

I don’t know… what to say, what to do, how to react, or even how to feel…

Ever since I came back from my year abroad, I’ve not been myself. I frankly don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know how to put it down on paper. I can’t find the right words to describe how I feel, because I simply don’t know. If I would’ve to paint a picture for you, it would be me standing on a float, in the dark, in the middle of the ocean where I can’t be heard, can’t be seen… Lost but can’t be found. It’s cold and lonely. It feels like I’m drowning.  And I wonder, if people would come looking for me. When I’m gone, does anyone care? Is my existence even important? I just wonder sometimes. Will I be saved?

I do a lot of thinking, more than I can bare. The more I think, the more sad I become. I feel like a failure in life. The insecurities, I can’t take it anymore. When did all these feelings start happening? I must have been around 7 when things started to change. When I became submissive, mute and a people pleaser. I can’t remember much from when I was little, but from stories told I know that I was a naughty kid. I liked to play outside, I was loud, I walked away, I didn’t listen, I was free and happy. I was naughty, but I wasn’t a bad kid. At the age of 7 we moved, I had to go to a different elementary school and I had to start over. Make new friends, get used to a new environment, start all over. I remember having a difficult time, cause I had many friends before. At my new elementary school, everyone seemed nice at first. But boy, was I wrong…

In 4th grade Dutch elementary education system, I moved and made new friends. We had a great year together but when I came back to school after the Summer holidays, I didn’t even exist anymore. I was air to them. Over the summer these girls that became my new friends didn’t want to play with me anymore. The reason why, was because their friend thought I looked scary. I was the only Asian girl in my class. I was pale and I had black hair. I thought I did something wrong, I never knew why they abandoned me up until high school.

I started hanging out with different people later. They told me, that they were my friends or wanted to become my friends. That those girls that in fact left me hanging were mean awful girls. I was the new girl, I was weird looking and I was called names. I got laughed at a lot. So, it was me that was wrong, I became very silent.

My new friends at elementary school, they were different than the girls before. The ones that abandoned me, were born into rich families, sophisticated and classy. The ones I became friends with later were rebels and me? I became their puppet.

I just didn’t want to be alone and they stood up for me when I was being called names and got bullied. That’s what friends do right? So, I became a wallflower. We were 11 when they started smoking, and already became busy with boys. I had no sense of self worth anymore, I lost my dignity at age 11. I got slapped in my face by one of them and I let her. She said, that I was possessed by the devil. She said, she could see him and I let her slap the devil out of me. My cousin died due to a car accident when I was 9 and it freaked me out. I didn’t really talk about it back then, because no one asked me how I was doing. My grandma passed away that same year. My grandpa passed away not that long after and it seemed like everyone was on the point of death. I was a loner, I’ve always been a loner. I’m there physically, but it doesn’t feel like I’m there. I felt like a freak. After my cousin passed away, I thought I was going crazy. I was sure that I saw him, every night for a long period of time. It wasn’t just him, I saw more of them lost souls wandering around. I couldn’t tell anyone, people wouldn’t believe me. they would think I was crazy. However, I told them. My “friends”. They took it so well and told me that I wasn’t the only one. They were seeing them too. This girl, let’s say the leader of our group said she was seeing this girl named Haley all the time, on a swing in front of her house and all of a sudden we were taking care of ghost cats. I should’ve known better then, but it was nice to believe that I wasn’t the only one seeing them. Only during high school, I came to find out that it was all fake. That they were making fun of me, once again.

While I was feeling scared of the things I saw, while I was covered all sweaty underneath my blankets every night, they were just faking it.

I remember, when that girl ( the leader of the group) had her birthday party at her house, we were walking with pans and knives through the house. There were people crying, she made us believe that there was a rapist outside and that he was coming for us. Well no wait, he was coming for the pretty girls. In her eyes that was her and her best friend, so we had to protect them, thus walk around with knives and pans. It was the longest night I’d ever had in the 11 years I was alive back then. I don’t think I’d ever been that scared.

These were memories I’d rather not remember and have been pushing them away for a long time. I don’t know why they start coming up all of the sudden. It’s a puzzle I don’t like to fix or complete. I don’t want to remember this.

During my first year of high school I found out the truth about them. That girl (the leader of the group) was put in a mental hospital, she came up with even more strange stories about her parents and how fucked up she was. I wrote her a letter, a very angry long letter for which I would have gotten expelled for if the principal found out who wrote it. They just never figured out that it was me who wrote the letter since I changed school again.

I went to a different high school in the 2nd year and once again had to start all over. I was like a walking bomb that never explode. I’ve been angry and quiet for a very long time, perhaps I still am. I don’t know.

Next to all of these events I had a lot of pressure from home. On the picture below you can see the Dutch education system. After doing a test in Elementary school the teachers would tell you to go to VMBO, HAVO or VWO in which VMBO is the lowest high school level and VWO the highest. I’m not smart, I don’t have talents or skills. My parents wanted me to get in HAVO no matter what. It was not up for discussion. My test scores told us that I was able to get into HAVO easily, however, the teachers advised my parents  not too. They told them that I wasn’t ready mentally. I was too shy and quiet to make it through.

For this reason I had to go to TL/HAVO, which is in between VMBO and HAVO. I had to fight my way through my first year so I could go to HAVO in the second year. As I said before, I’m not smart so I felt like it was impossible for me. I had to take performance anxiety classes to get myself together, because I was afraid to fail. And man, what a disappointment I would be then. A big fat up to no good disappointment to my parents. I was already really clumsy, I failed in everything that I do and I was just not good enough. I hated it how my classmates would tell me how easy everything was for them, how they never studied and passed everything. It made me feel even more stupid, since I actually had to struggle to get me there. I had no self esteem left and it got worse every time my parents compared me with someone better again. “She is so good, her parents are so proud, why can’t you do it? why aren’t you more like her? you are so fat! how will you ever get a husband? ….. ” .  It never stopped, whatever I did, I wasn’t good enough because there was always someone better than me.

I felt worthless and to think of it, I still feel worthless. I feel like they are right, cause I can’t imagine anyone ever loving me for me. My biggest dream ever since I was little was to have my very own little family and I would tell myself that I would raise my children differently. What if it will never happen?

I created many scenarios in my head and somehow they always end up very bad. Yes, of course I’m trying to be optimistic but I can’t.

I admit. I have intimacy issues. I can’t even give my friends a hug without it being awkward or uncomfortable for me. I hate giving kisses on the cheeks because it means that someone would invade my private zone, my comfort zone. I hate it.

I don’t open up to many people. I talk a lot of bullshit, but I have trouble expressing myself. I’m good with people but I keep them at a distance. I’m scared that I’m not able to meet up with people’s expectations. I’m scared of people leaving me.

Even my relationships. In my first relationship I was in fact a rebound girl. There was no love from his side. The second guy I had a thing with, made me a home wrecker. There was no love here either. And in my last relationship, I’m not sure if there was love from his side as he cheated on me. So what does this tell me? Are they really that bad? Or is it me?

I just don’t know anything right now. I just don’t know anymore.

So, I struggled through high school. I failed my first year of my study International Business and Management Studies, I failed my internship and the expectations of me to be able to work on management level, My year as a board member was intense and I felt like I did nothing right, I felt unnecessary and useless. What if I won’t be able to graduate? What if I fail again? What do I do then? How do I tell my parents?

As these circumstances causes stress and my health is not that great either which is like draining my energy. I feel tired, so tired of everything, of life. What’s the point?

My mom is sick, my dad is getting older and working five shifts right now. All I know is that they expect me to graduate soon, find a job so my mom can stop working and I’m able to financially take care of them. What if I can’t?

Do you know why I’m so stuck and obsessed with my year abroad?

It’s the only time I actually felt really happy. It felt like a fresh start, as if I was reborn. I had little to no contact with the people from back home. I met many new people and they accepted me for me. In Bali they even saw me as a smart beautiful girl, I felt good because I got compliments instead of critics all the time. I had a new life, I had someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I had parents that took care of me and didn’t blame me when I got sick again.

Yes, I do feel guilty. Guilty for thinking this way. Guilty for having creepy thoughts. Guilty for not being better than I am right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 25, 2014

Musicpost 25/03 // Ingrid Michaelson – The way I am

If you were falling, then I would catch you
You need a light, I’d find a match
‘Cause I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am

This cheerful song makes me so extremely happy! I once heard this on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy and have it on repeat ever since.

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